he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones