he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
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I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
