he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
#growingpains
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
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Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)