@ElleOhHell

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

- @ElleOhHell

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@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@NOTVIKING

all i wanna do is

*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*

find the safety on this gun

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

@offbeatoliv

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@Sickayduh

My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it’s his turn

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@vivalacrap

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

@bgdadyspnkbtm

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

@Darlainky

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.