@ElleOhHell

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

You Might Also Like

@thenatewolf

THE CHIEF: It was a mission, you weren’t supposed to let it get personal.

ME: [kissing a missile] We’re getting married.

@JeffSarcastic

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@Tobi_Is_Fab

keep your friends close and your red lobster cheddar bay biscuits closer

@markydoodoo

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

@Shock_Monster

Camping.

Or as I like to call it:

“White people playing homeless.”

@SunshineJarboly

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

@dshack8

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.