THE CHIEF: It was a mission, you weren’t supposed to let it get personal.
ME: [kissing a missile] We’re getting married.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
keep your friends close and your red lobster cheddar bay biscuits closer
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Or as I like to call it:
“White people playing homeless.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.