He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward