Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

respect

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

life lately

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.