Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM