he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
it was a valiant fight
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
when you don’t want to be too vague
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not