he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
