Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

*orders delivery*

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?