he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “π§―” to every girl that comments βπ₯β on his pictures
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compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Iβm sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but canβt retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
π
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
βDonβt tread on me.β
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
ππππππππ€π€ππ
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: Itβs time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, βWe tricked this guy to climb into the park fountainβ. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan