he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
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When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem