he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
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HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone