he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
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4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.