Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

My birthstone is kidney

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.