He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
every college guy’s fridge
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
🐟✨ #re4
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.