He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
You Might Also Like
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Follow me for more fitness tips.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?