Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no