Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh