he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
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Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.