He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
This billboard speaks to me
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase