Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.