He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards