He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
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The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!