He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
🙂🙃🥹
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free