He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
never deleting this app.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
getting old is fun
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.