“He’s more scared of you than you are of him” – Girl coaching her friend into talking to me

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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.


Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.


Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”


me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her


son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u


Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.


gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks


ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*


What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”