He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.