He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.