He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
