“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.