he’s sick of your bullshit today
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
This is what makes twitter great
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”