he’s sick of your bullshit today
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn