He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO