He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Natty or not?
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.