He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.