“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
😂😂😂
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.