Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.