Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
This guy gets it.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
playing pool? you mean swimming?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.