Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize