Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Look Ma, no handle on things
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”