hey, alexa
You Might Also Like
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up