“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
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Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
New nose
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”