hey, alexa
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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh