Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthstone is a marshmallow

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”