Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

middle school in the ’90s

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone