Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.