Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA
Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
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My neighbor is a micro biologist.
I’ve never seen him.
[Meeting a cute guy]
Him: Hey, I’m Patrick.
Me: And is there a Ma trick?
SO MUCH BLOOD!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
-It’s raining men.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
This week in Nascar it all comes down to one race…
I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares