Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Man these end times are taking forever

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

peeping toms

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

Is this a threat?

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon