Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
