Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Just organising my finances.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
😂🤣😂🤣
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
