Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I’ve had relationships like this
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.