Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

is he marrying that labradoodle

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around