Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.