Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
You Might Also Like
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously