Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

me after drinking all the wine:

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.