Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’ve had worse
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.