Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
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Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Any refunds available?…
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
As per my last nervous breakdown
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
When your diet is finally over.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
the simulation is moving too fast
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money