“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
PLEASE READ
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.