“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
nobody’s gonna understand
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.