Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion