“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!