“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Take care of yourself, ladies
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?