Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Okay

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”