“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Why am I like this?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Meow
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger