Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Does beer think about me too?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
