Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Thursday
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Don’t touch that.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really