Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Sheep
