Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

You know…for fall…

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

honey, bring out the fine china.

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time