Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again