Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st