Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me, flirting😏
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist