Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.